Arzua to A Rua, 13 miles
My friend, Ada, met me in front of my hotel and away we went.
Since I began this journey on Saturday, I have encountered only four Americans and even less English-speaking people from other countries. Fortunately, my Spanish has held up pretty well, and Ada speaks excellent English. I am equally thankful that she speaks excellent Spanish and has helped me improve my conversational skills. Today, the Camino Frances on which we are walking joins the Camino Norte. There are many more walkers and many more English-speakers as well as German. The Camino is like a web that stretches across Central Europe. There are many routes that all converge at Santiago de Compestela where the remains of St. James rest in the cathedral. Despite the increase in pilgrims over the last 10 years, it is still only equivalent to the number of pilgrims who made the trek EACH year during medieval times.
Today’s thoughts really centered around the future. I have always been a goal setter and planner. Since Paul passed away, that has been much more difficult. I find my vision for the future cloudy. I think that is happening for three reasons. First, it is just very difficult for me to imagine or envision myself doing anything either trivial or significant without him. I literally can’t picture in my mind what that looks like although this adventure has certainly helped me gain some clarity. It’s just that since I was 18 years old, my plans for my whole life have included Paul. That’s a hard habit to break, my friends. Second, I mainly am just trying to get through the day most of the time. Thinking too far ahead feels overwhelming. I try to stay in the present to lessen anxiety, but that becomes counterproductive when I’m also trying to begin to consider long-term plans. Finally, the future feels less reliable, less trustworthy than it used to. We had 35 days from diagnosis to death. 35 days. So much for the plans we made.
One thing that has helped… Back at home, I have a dream room. About nine or ten months after Paul died and when I was feeling well enough, I covered the walls of the dream room with butcher paper and began to brainstorm, writing down anything and everything I wanted to do, learn, and experience. Categories soon began to emerge like travel, possible career changes, bucket list items, and so much more. In terms of the grieving process, having something to look forward to, whether small or big, has been very important. Some days having something to look forward to has been the only thing that has kept me tethered to this life. As time has past and my outlook has improved, I have also noticed that making lists and plans has its place, but it is equally important to leave room for being open to how the universe is unfolding before me. “But, as it is written, ‘What no eye has see, nor ear hear, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him’-” 1 Corinthians 2:9
The future looks more like a puzzle these days, like a puzzle without a picture for reference. I am trying to fit the pieces together. Each time I find a piece that fits, the view is a little sharper and the whole picture makes a little more sense. I am going to have to be satisfied with that for now and remain faithful that there is no wrong move when I seek God’s will first by looking for His guideposts, asking for His help, and loving others. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'”
Tomorrow, Santiago, and while I know it’s rather trite, I couldn’t help but think of Robert Frost and Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening when I saw this stunning sight today.
“The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”
Looking forward to looking forward, Malia
Party of One, or Life after Death 
You have reached a big challenge in your life and have overcome obstacles. I have enjoyed each post. You are winning
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Challenges, while difficult, shape our lives in so many ways. This trip has been a challenge that you have met and you should be very proud of yourself. The future will come and you will meet it with an open heart. Remember…your friends are here to help you. Thank you for sharing this dream come true.
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I love the idea of a dream room. We did a memories room. Must try that. I find dream setting the hardest thing now sometimes I just need to set off in a random direction then hope dreams appear on the way. It is difficult when your life is so built around joint dreams which suddenly go. Dreams might go but that doesn’t meaning new dreaming goes. It’s just about allowing yourself to dream again.
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So very true and you’re so right about it being difficult. I found that creating an actual physical space made it easier for me to focus on the new dreams.
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Do you ever cross dreams off the wall or once it’s up there it stays and you just tick them off when they have started/been achieved?
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I guess it’s like a sieve. I just see what shakes out. I brainstorm lots of things, and they stay up there until there’s some sort of resolution in that area of my life. Some of the categories I work on are travel (those get checked off!) and retirement plans (those stay up for a longer period as I contemplate my choices). This blog itself was on the wall at one point. It was listed in the griefwork category 🙂
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